Tuesday

The day after tomorrow I fly back to the UK.

After three months here, this now feels like home. I love this place, it is even better in the winter. The weather has been lovely.

Im not sure how I am going to feel when I go back to the UK. I have so many feelings about Mr X. Yes I have fallen in love. It makes me happy, but it also makes me sad when I think about my husband.

But is this life any good for me? What happens now? Do I come back and fourth here and live a double life? I hate lies. I hate deceit. Mr X is asking me when I am coming back. But he is not asking me to leave my husband or anything like that. I know that he has feelings for me but I cant help but wonder if he finds the situation convenient. He seems accepting of the fact that I am married. Perhaps it is just as well because if he did put pressure on me then things would get very difficult. My head tells me to leave and never return but my heart is here. I do love my husband but I have realised that there is something lacking from our relationship, deep down I think I have known this for a long time.

I cant see how a life with Mr X would work full time. I need more than what this place has to offer. But I long to be with him. If I am not here I am scared that he might meet someone else.

Again I wonder what I am going to do in the UK. I really should try and find some work to have an outlet to take my mind off things. I am feeling very stressed to say the least.

Sometimes the things we want are no good for us.

still here

Im still here in Ibiza.

I've deleted a few blog entries. 

I'm Ok. Things continue to be difficult emotionally but I still want to be here.

The weather is beautiful. We continue to have hot and warm days. I still love the island.

All things aside, I think I may have a good friend in Mr X after all. The thing is that we laugh a lot. We always seem to be laughing. Perhaps that is an attempt to deflect the more serious issues that need to be discussed. He looks out for me and checks to see if I am OK. Actually, lately I never seem to have a moments peace. He seems to be at the door all the time. He arrives for breakfast, comes to see me in the afternoon, he brings me food, he cooks for me. The other day he brought up a massive TV which he likes to stare at for hours. I cant understand most of it as it is all in Spanish. Well I am glad of the company most times, but sometimes I have to admit that I go out to escape. Sometimes its a bit too much.. I think perhaps that he likes the company too. 

I will probably stay here in November. DH is coming to the island this weekend. I am going to the main town of Evissa to meet him. Last time he came here it was just too stressful for me what with everything that had gone on.

I'd really like to get back to work again. I think I need an outlet, a distraction from things that I shouldn't spend so much time thinking about. Part of the problem is that I need to focus on something.

In December I will go back to the UK for a few months and perhaps try to find some work for a while.

Countdown

I have been impatiently awaiting the arrival of August. July was such a long month I thought it would never end. Time has dragged by. 

So August has finally arrived. Less than three and a half weeks before my return to the island. I feel like a child at Christmas time, so excited. The anticipation continues to build.

Not much else to report. We have given notice on the rented house so we are definitely out of here. We have packed up what little stuff we have and will put it in storage. DH continues to work the consultancy gig, I cant see the job lasting much longer, maybe a month or two. 

I cant help but wonder where we will be in November. Who knows........

The call of the island

Portinatx

So after my last post I am feeling a bit better about things.

I am going back to the island at the end of August. I have booked a two month stay. I have booked a one way flight.

I dont know what I am doing from November onwards, and I really dont want to think about having a plan at the moment. I am fed up of planning, for now I just want to go with the flow. I dont know whether I will stay on the island over the winter. I might stay on the island or I might go to the mainland, or I might go somewhere hot over the winter. I just dont know. I will see how it goes.

We still do not know when DH's job will come to an end. I am keen for him to squeeze as much money as he can from the gig. They want him to stay until they can find a permanent replacement for his position. The job could be all over by September or it could go on for a bit. If this happens then DH will come out regularly including for some long weekends. As he is a contractor he can more or less come and go as he pleases when it comes to time off. We had previously written this off as it appeared to be nearly impossible to get back to the UK in the winter. However, it turns out that British Airways have launched a new winter flight from London City airport direct to the island, so it can be done. 

If DH's gig remains ongoing into November then I will probably stay on the island until he is finished and we are ready to start the next stage of our life.

Back to reality

So I am back in Britain and I am not happy to be here.

I feel like I am on a huge downer.

I had to return to deal with some personal commitments. Also I didn't really want to be on the island during July and August.

To say I had a good time is an understatement. The time passed really quickly. One month just wasnt long enough. I like the pace of life out there, the day is longer, people eat their evening meal much later there, I felt much closer to the elements.

However, a few things happened on the island which made me question everything. I have realised that I am highly vulnerable in a number of ways. I still have to constantly monitor the demons. A lot of my anxiety stems from fear over my loss of control over the demons. I fear that one day they will succeed in putting me under permanently. This I have realised is a huge burden to carry around with me which in turn makes me sad, angry and lonely. I have also realised that sometimes I project sadness.

The rough plan is for me to return to the island in early September for an indefinite period.  We are going to shut down the rented house for good. What we are paying for this stupid house is about the same as what the rent would cost me on the island, in the low season of course. My husband has agreed that he will close things down with his work and join me when he can.

Tuesday thoughts

Well its another beautiful day on the island.

Today I woke up and opened the shutters and the sun was shinning, the birds were singing, the pine trees were blowing in the wind and I could see the turquoise sea from my window. I could hear merange music being played softly by the cafe downstairs.

And I thought, it really doesn't get much better than this.

Last night was a late one, seafood at my favourite restaurant followed by some good entertainment and dancing around the corner. Again I marvel at my ability here to have a good night out without being skint and hung over the next morning.

My husband has left after his two week holiday here, we had a great time, some days it was cool enough for us to go on long walks into the forest and mountains. We also took the ferry to the island of Formentera, a small island 25 mins south of Ibiza. Formentera was beautiful, it looked and felt more like a Caribbean island than a Spanish one.

But I have realised that I need something to do, I cant imagine not working ever again.  I like to keep busy. I do need an outlet or a sense of purpose. I have lots of business ideas, but every time I mention them to my husband he just seems completely uninterested. For example I would really love to run a restaurant, perhaps we could purchase a lease somewhere to see how we get on. I also have an idea about being a beach hut barman/woman. My husband thinks it is "easier" to work behind a desk. I have a lot of mental energy, I am a fighter, I need to fight and I cant fight the demons behind a desk I need to do something physical. Yes we may be able to earn a more money behind a desk (although in this economy that is debatable) but that is not what this is about. I realise that catering/hospitality can be hard work but so is sitting behind a desk in a stressful job slowly having the life sucked out of you. I would love to give it a go.

Now more than ever I am determined to cut the chains and break into a new way of living. Come August/September at the latest we are out of there.

Un lugar encantador

Well I've been here two weeks now and time has gone quickly.

I have lots to say, mostly about how I do love it here and how it is such a special place. There is something that keeps drawing me back here.

The good thing is that I was OK here on my own. I did not feel uncomfortable going out to eat by myself, it feels perfectly safe to go hiking or for a walk in the evening. I remember my first night here, I went to eat at a place I have been to before many times, a small restaurant overlooking the sea. Here the proprietor will stop and talk and sit with me and have a drink, we talk about the weather, about business, family etc, we speak in Spanglish but we get by.  The ambiente is real. I feel that I just want to melt into his table and never leave. Then after two and a half hours I left and as I walked passed a bar a familiar face called me in and we had a drink etc. I got home at 1 am, tired but so content. I spent the grand total of 15 Euros. I cant do things like that in the UK, I would never go out to eat on my own.

I have realised that I have got into such a rut in the UK, I have become almost  a recluse. It is so nice to be out and about talking to people, sometimes I don't see anyone for days on end apart from my husband who leaves at 7.00 am and walks back through the door at 8.00pm. It has made me realise that I do want a life where I am outdoors more, where the weather is better, where I can be at the coast, where I can eat out and it doesnt cost a fortune, where I can go out and speak to people, it doesnt have to be deep and meaningful conversations all the time, it is therapy for me just to interact with people.

But, by the middle of the first week I really started to miss my husband, at least he is here now for two weeks.

Sometimes I think I want to stay here forever, but then I wonder would it be enough, what would I "do" here, I think about asking one of my contacts for a job but then I chicken out.

I do see this place playing a central part of our future plans, I just don't know yet to what extent. I am here for two more weeks and I wonder, will I stay a bit longer or will I return as planned. I wonder whether I could tolerate the heat and the influx of people in July and August.



Relief

I'm in Ibiza.

I'm so grateful to be here, it is such a relief to escape those dull grey shores.

This is a wonderful place where land meets sea, I am at the far norfth of the island away from mass tourism. I am at my home for the next month.  So far so good. I have received such a warm welcome from familiar faces.

I will write more in due course. I am feeling very unwell, I think I have picked up something nasty on the plane.

New Directions

Well I am REALLY looking forward to going to Ibiza for a month. It will be a nice rest from cooking and cleaning etc. I have never wanted to be a house wife. Which way is the office? Only joking.

But seriously, I said to DH the other day that I would prefer to be the one going out to work and he could clean house, do endless chores and ensure that my evening meal is on the table. I hate cooking but I enjoy good food. I would love to eat out more but it is so expensive and I really begrudge paying lots of money for what is mediocre food at best.

We have decided that DH will come out for a holiday to visit me when I am in Ibiza.

DH is at last getting fed up of the office. So it is agreed that we are leaving the UK in August and we are going to be travelling indefinitely. Well it isn't so much going travelling but rather nomadic living as a lifestyle choice. The rough plan is that we will head over to northern Spain and in September we will make our way down to Portugal. We are going to load up the car and initially we are going to camp. Thereafter we hope to find somewhere nice to stay a while in Portugal and get some accommodation.

So that's the rough plan. It is a very rough plan but deliberately so. For a change we ARE going to go with the flow and not get obsessed about filling in the blanks and the future. I really want to try a different way of living.

I don't want to settle here in the UK. I don't want to buy a house here. I dont want to be tied down I want to be free to go where I please. That is the way I feel at the moment, whether that will change I don't know.

round and around

So we haven't moved out of the rented house....yet.

We have agreed with the landlord that we will stay for a while longer but only on a month to month basis.

There has been a lot of negative energy around here about where to go, put simply DH and I do not see eye to eye about future plans. DH wants to continue working for a while until it reaches a natural end., ie until he is given notice. The problem is that the end might be next month or it might not be until another several months. I just don't see the point in hanging around for a temporary job when I am climbing the walls here to get going.  If we had a place of our own here it might be different, but hanging around here in a rented not very nice house waiting for DH to get home all day is really soul destroying. DH says that he wants the extra money and he does not want to endure the heat in southern europe in the summer.

Personally I am suspicious of the delaying tactics. After a bit of interrogation DH said that he is scared of being hot and bored, but he is prepared to go to Portugal in September.

To me September is like writing off the whole year. What if we want different things?

So, it strikes me that I need to up and go myself.

And so I am off to Ibiza for a month, I really cannot wait to go. I will be at our usual haunt in the north of the island. There is plenty there for me to do. I have booked a flight on 14th May to come back roughly one month later.

It seems like a long time until the middle of May.

monday blues

The date for moving out of the rented house is fast approaching. We cannot decide where to go and what to do for the best. There is so much indecision that "it" feels completely overwhelming.

After much thought I have told DH that I do not want to to rent another house while he is at work all day and I am left on my own. I see little point in moving to a high cost of living area for a temporary job. The job could end at any time and then we are stuck with paying for an expensive lease out of pocket.

We are meant to be moving out in two weeks time. I don't know where to go for the best. I think we are going to go on a road trip, perhaps we will put the car on the ferry to Spain and drive down to Portugal. We were very impressed with southern Portugal on our recent trip and we both feel that it somewhere where we could spend time. Money seems to go further in Portugal  than Ibiza, although Portugal is no longer the very cheap place it was years ago.

I don't know if it is a good idea or not but I have to try something different. I MUST NOT lose my nerve this time because quite frankly I am scared. I need to feel that DH is in agreement with this and that I am not constantly dragging him along by his coat tail. DH keeps demanding that I come up with a plan, and well .... I haven't really got a plan.

I am starting to really despair at our situation, or really I am exasperated with myself. I wonder why I have struggled to find contentment, I have never fitted in anywhere, I see things differently to others. I cant relate to the mindless plodding and the banality of modern life. There is no social support for alternative thinkers. Some people may wonder what makes a person this way, what makes a person so that they cant settle that they never find peace, that they never fit, that they wander to here and there, that they have no cohesion to anywhere or anything.

To those people I say lucky you, lucky lucky you.

a break in Portugal

We are moving out of our rented house in South Wales.

We gave the landlord one month's notice yesterday. It is time to move on and try new things.

DH wants to continue to work where he is but he is fed up of the long commute every day. We have agreed to move over the border to England and give it a go there for a while. Hopefully we are going to be in the Cotswold area so it should be ideal for the great outdoors. The area is more prosperous, hopefully the economic market is better so I may be able to pick up some work.

DH does not want to go off wandering at the moment, I have told him that we will move and give it a go for a while in the new place, but I need something for me, I need to decide whether I want to live in one place or whether I want to try a bit of a nomadic life or just do something different abroad for a while.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, The Escape was not about never working again, it was about having freedom from the obligation to work all the time. We always knew that we would have to do some work to top up our income, I just haven't found the flexibility that I thought I would. I suppose I was a bit naive really. As for the escaping Britain well....obviously I haven't done this yet, I have known for a long time that I don't want to settle here, but realistically is there any other choice? We don't have lottery type money to "retire" on, so we have to continue to earn some money and work at least part of the year, inflation can be a silent killer to savings over the years.

I have been suffering with some health problems recently, fatigue, nausea, malaise etc. The GP thinks it could be ME or Depression.  Blood tests all came back fine. I think it could be the side effects of some prescription medication I have been taking, so I am throwing them away. I am so sensitive to medication.

So next week we are off to Portugal for 7 days. We are going to the western Algarve to a place called Lagos. Hopefully we will relax, do some walking, go to the spa etc.

I also want to have a general look around the quieter parts of the Algarve to see if it might be somewhere we could either spend time or live.

random stuff

I mentioned previously that I had been working. The role was meant to last for six weeks. It actually lasted for three and a half months. To my great surprise I really enjoyed the role. I enjoyed using my brain again and earning money. The work was interesting, the boss was fairly laid back. The real downside was that the journey to and from the office took a round trip of 8 hours. Because the role was so far away from "home" I had to stay in a hotel for at least 4 nights a week. Eventually I come to an agreement with the boss that I would work part time, just 2 days a week, but even that got too much for me. The problem was that they wanted me in the office every week. This is work that could easily be done on a lap top from home.  It was not necessary to be in the office every day, we don't see clients every day. I offered to work remotely and come into the office every other week but no deal.

So I left.

It  never ceases to amaze me that many employers today just don't move with the times, we still have this antiquated way of working of having to be in an office all day every day, its like an extension of school.

But now I regret it in a way because I am yet again extremely bored. So back to square one with a few more pounds in my pocket. I found that working was a great distraction from the nagging issues on my mind, such as why am I this way? who am I? where am I going? where will I end up? will it all crash and burn?

There is no work around here. I live in an economic black spot. A job at McDonalds is advertised and a thousand people apply for it. I've got no chance. I keep trying to get out of law but I keep getting sucked back in because legal employers are the only people who seem to be interested in paying for my labour.

DH is working again on a contract role, which may last for the next six months. DH enjoys working. But where does that leave me? I want to pack up and go get out of this country. What is there to stay for?

What I really want is a home somewhere with a bit of land. I want DH to finish work so we can explore Portugal in depth with a view to getting something or at least having a much better idea of what it has to offer. I've also got a plan to tour the west coast of the USA in an RV. I also want to go back to Ibiza. The problem is that DH says that we should earn money while we can, while we are still young enough, while our skills and experience are still in demand. I don't really know whether we want the same thing. I think he worries about money. Sometimes I worry about money, who doesn't? But when is enough enough? I think we need to be creating a different lifestyle rather than trying to obtain more money.

My attitude is more lets just go and makle it work somehow. Do or go under.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Fear

I am starting to realise that since the "escape" I have been making decisions based on Fear.

I realise that I have been searching for certainty. Nothing is 100% risk free is it? I have been guilty of black and white thinking. The constant need to analyse every move and every decision to death is getting me down. It is a difficult habit to break, in part it is attributable to my job, and my depressive thinking is also partly responsible. Being optimistic and carefree is not who I am.  I am pessimistic by nature. But I am trying to change.

We are in the wrong place again. We are going to pack up the rented house and head for new pastures. Will we buy a boat to live on? Or will we finally hold our hands up and admit that we cannot find a sustainable living situation in this country.

It is fear that is keeping us here in this house. It is fear telling me to buy a house now any sort of house so I will be safe and warm and dry in my old age. But I know deep down that buying a house in this country is not right for us.

I have struggled to accept the fact that we may never "settle" in one place. We may never build or be part of a community in a traditional sense.  Sometimes, well a lot of the time it feels like a large void. I have struggled to deal with the sadness of the past and the fact that I  am still suffering from the consequences of the past.  My childhood was not peaceful and stable.

I wonder whether we could live in Spain. We at least need to try.