Friday, 28 May 2010

Escaping from myself

In two months time I will escape the 9 to 5. I will no longer have to spend the majority of my waking hours in a sedentary job in an office. I will no longer have to live a lifestyle that stifles and depresses me. I will no longer have to live in a concrete jungle to be close to work because I can’t stand to commute.

The prison gates will be open. But what lies beyond the prison gates? Hopefully peace of mind and perhaps even contentment.

And yet, I still struggle daily with a deep sadness, sometimes, a lot of the time the sadness consumes me. It’s a constant battle to keep up on top of the demons and it has taken years of hard work fighting against them. The past is in the past and we have to live in the now, that is true. But the truth is that I am still living with the consequences of the past, I probably always will be. I acknowledge and try to accept the past but I still dont like the past. I always knew deep down that had the past been different that I would be living a very different life now. That was confirmed to me recently in therapy. It was quite a shock to hear someone else say it.

I am not sure whether therapy was useful or not, it certainly gave me a greater understanding of my “problems”, but no resolution. Sometimes I wonder whether it’s made me worse.

So I fixed the 9 – 5 problem, it took years to fix but I did it. Now I just have to fix me and that job is far more difficult.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

No Going Back

DH and I have given 3 months notice to our employers.

Our apartment lease is up on 10th August.

It still doesnt feel real. I still worry about money and other associated things.