On kids

I've never wanted children.

Apparently that makes me weird, because I am a woman and you are supposed to desire children if you are a women.

All I know is that I don't want children and never have. I don't wish them harm but I simply don't like them, not interested, don't want to know, don't find them cute, etc.

I used to think that for most people children were just something that happened out of poor planning and one just went along with the process thereafter. But, it seems that people do actually go out of their way to have them. People actually plan them!

For some reason today the issue of having kids has really irked me. Its probably a conversation I had with a colleague this morning who was gushing over her life's dream to find suitable husband material and have kids as quickly as possible. Actually, what irks me is that yet again I feel like an alien, don't fit in, cant relate, um sorry nothing to say except I've never wanted them, that's putting it politely.

I want to be free, I want to spend long summers wandering around Europe, maybe join the hippies in Ibiza playing the drums as the sun goes down with beads in my hair (I'm going there in September BTW), no I don't want kids thank you very much.

Am I being quite forceful in my opinion? Well perhaps its just something I feel quite strongly about, its all part of the same thing, when will people consider that there are other ways of living one's life rather than wage slavery and breeding?

Where is my place in the world?

Now that The Escape is getting closer, I admit to feeling a little skeptical about it.

I am frightened of not finding my place in the world, the place where DH and I were destined to be.

I am looking forward to travelling and not being tied to a job. But at the same time I am scared that I will end up being a permanent wandering malcontent. I'm not sure whether these thoughts are reasonable or not or whether they just form part of my depression.

I am not sure that an itinerant lifestyle will ease my soul. I need a place or a base in the world.

I have come to realise that "The Escape" will not solve all of my problems. It may not bring relief to the background noise in my head which appears to be almost permanent.

The trouble with me is that I am much too fond of introspection. Too much thinking and self evaluation never did anyone any good. I'm a big thinker, I could sit all day and think.

I am fed up of living in the future, I want to live for the now instead of planning all the time.

Life is too short. None of us know what is around the corner.

Patience

I have to remember that the best things in life don't come easy.

To give us the best possible cushion we really need to wait until 2011 for the escape. We have worked out our numbers and we need to be saving £4k a month to reach our goals. Fortunately, our living costs are relatively low so it is doable.

But today we had to spend £500.00 on car repairs and I really need new work clothes, but I cannot justify the expense in light of our plans. We don't go out anymore, we rarely go out to eat, we drink at the cheap places if we fancy a pint out. I don't buy take away food, I don't buy lunch out or takeaway coffees. I go to the supermarket once a week only.

The sacrifices are necessary. I don't need to buy things to make myself happy. I know that to make myself happy I need to get out of the city, quit the 9 - 5 and live in a fresh, natural environment. But it all needs to be done with careful planning.

The thing is, I don't plan on coming back, ever. It has suddenly dawned on me that as of 2011 this life ends then.

Recently I read an interview with Oprah Winfrey who was discussing her latest battle with her weight. She described how she was asked the question of "what are you really hungry for ?" I forget her exact answer but I thought it was an interesting and probing question.

So I ask myself "what am I really thirsty for?"

I know what I am really thirsty for, most of which I can make happen, but somethings I simply cant deliver, these things will always be out of reach, that part of my thirst I will never quench.

Developments

Well I am back from Greece and DH and I had a lovely time.

It was hotter than anticipated for that time of year, but we still managed to get some hiking in. I think we could all learn some lessons from the Greeks in term of quality of life and attitude. I felt a lot more relaxed being out of the city.

I did notice how expensive Greece had become. Certainly the poor exchange rate we were getting on the Euro did not help but there was something else going on. We were paying the equivalent of £6.00 for 2 pints which is about the same as we would pay here, if not more! Has there been a period of high inflation in Greece or were we just paying the "gringo" prices? It seemed to be that way right across the island.

Anyway, back to work and the boss has a surprise for me. He says I can stay, permanently, i.e. he wants to put me on the payroll as an employee as opposed to retaining me as an independent contractor. The money is less of course. Its great news. I will take the position of course.

I will be £1k worse off a month but it gives me certainty insofar as The Escape goes. Now DH and I can really put that 2 year countdown on the calender and just go for it. Actually, its less than 2 years, we plan on escaping in March 2011.

Although I will be losing in terms of less money, as an employee I will be entitled to paid annual leave and bank holidays. This does go someway to offset the drop in pay. Actually I am really looking forward to having paid time off again. When you are self employed it is tempting to take as little time off as possible in order to maximise income.

So 22 months and counting!