Christmas was very difficult. My husband could see that there was something wrong and that I was distant. He did not want me to return to Ibiza.
Over the Christmas period I missed Mr X very much and I know he missed me too. Now I am back here in Ibiza and I am feeling very lost.
I'm in so much pain emotionally. Mr X has started to get serious. He has hinted that he is not happy at the fact that I continue to be married. I cant blame him. He has hinted at the word marriage. I'm so confused. I thought it was what I wanted. I do love him. The feelings I have for this man I have never experienced before. He is like a drug. I know I should stay away but I cant, when we are together its just too good, it makes me want to cry. But I need to be sure and I'm not sure.
I just don't think I can live on this island year round. Island living is already starting to grate on me. Life with Mr X would involve me being here year round. His life is here and most importantly his job is here. There are other things which I am unsure about. He wants children and I don't know whether I do. I also like my independence and relative freedom. Now if I want to get on an aeroplane and go somewhere I can. I'm not sure Mr X would stand for it.
I do not want to hurt anyone, I dont want to hurt my Husband he would be devastated. The thought of causing him any pain or distress is eating me up inside. Im not sure that emotionally that I can withstand a divorce. I fear that any happiness with Mr X would be overshadowed by the pain of the divorce and the guilt. How could I do that to my Husband?
There are also practical considerations. Am I in a financial position to go it alone? Mr X has no financial security to speak of. He has a reasonably well paying job but he lives day to day. But he is a very clever man, he speaks several languages and has many skills that he turns his hand to. The fact is that whether we like it or not we all need money to live. I've experienced financial poverty and hardships as a child and as a young adult and it is not something I ever want to return to.
I need to take things slowly. I need to be sure about Mr X. I ask myself whether the real draw is just the physical side of the relationship which has been lacking for many years in my marriage.