Thursday, 14 June 2012

Back to reality

So I am back in Britain and I am not happy to be here.

I feel like I am on a huge downer.

I had to return to deal with some personal commitments. Also I didn't really want to be on the island during July and August.

To say I had a good time is an understatement. The time passed really quickly. One month just wasnt long enough. I like the pace of life out there, the day is longer, people eat their evening meal much later there, I felt much closer to the elements.

However, a few things happened on the island which made me question everything. I have realised that I am highly vulnerable in a number of ways. I still have to constantly monitor the demons. A lot of my anxiety stems from fear over my loss of control over the demons. I fear that one day they will succeed in putting me under permanently. This I have realised is a huge burden to carry around with me which in turn makes me sad, angry and lonely. I have also realised that sometimes I project sadness.

The rough plan is for me to return to the island in early September for an indefinite period.  We are going to shut down the rented house for good. What we are paying for this stupid house is about the same as what the rent would cost me on the island, in the low season of course. My husband has agreed that he will close things down with his work and join me when he can.


Jerry Critter said...

The key words here are "when he can". As you may be aware, absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder.

The Quest said...

What happened on the island to make you question your ability to remain in control? Is it something you want to talk about? It sounds like you were having a nice time there but that perhaps you had too much time to yourself? This is one of the reasons why I personally don't vacation alone.

I hear the weather in the UK is terrible right now with torrential rain and flooding. The weather there is enough to drive a person mad!

Dreamer said...

Jerry, what you say is very true, I think we need a more specific deadlines but I think we all need time to ourselves, being together all the time is not healthy dont you think? we need to have something to talk about!:)

Quest, perhaps I had too good a time :) As for being alone, well I think we all need time to ourselves but maybe too much time is not a good thing as you say. A few things got on top of me etc, I dont feel I can go into detail on the blog but always happy to chat via e mail:-

Yes the weather is terrible, I have the central heating on it is cold and heavy rain, where is my island argh!

Jerry Critter said...

We all need alone time, but there is a big difference between alone time and away time. My fear is that you are spending too much away time.

Dreamer said...

I dont disagree with you Jerry, the situation is not ideal.