Monday, 23 January 2012


I am starting to realise that since the "escape" I have been making decisions based on Fear.

I realise that I have been searching for certainty. Nothing is 100% risk free is it? I have been guilty of black and white thinking. The constant need to analyse every move and every decision to death is getting me down. It is a difficult habit to break, in part it is attributable to my job, and my depressive thinking is also partly responsible. Being optimistic and carefree is not who I am.  I am pessimistic by nature. But I am trying to change.

We are in the wrong place again. We are going to pack up the rented house and head for new pastures. Will we buy a boat to live on? Or will we finally hold our hands up and admit that we cannot find a sustainable living situation in this country.

It is fear that is keeping us here in this house. It is fear telling me to buy a house now any sort of house so I will be safe and warm and dry in my old age. But I know deep down that buying a house in this country is not right for us.

I have struggled to accept the fact that we may never "settle" in one place. We may never build or be part of a community in a traditional sense.  Sometimes, well a lot of the time it feels like a large void. I have struggled to deal with the sadness of the past and the fact that I  am still suffering from the consequences of the past.  My childhood was not peaceful and stable.

I wonder whether we could live in Spain. We at least need to try.