Monday, 23 January 2012

Fear

I am starting to realise that since the "escape" I have been making decisions based on Fear.

I realise that I have been searching for certainty. Nothing is 100% risk free is it? I have been guilty of black and white thinking. The constant need to analyse every move and every decision to death is getting me down. It is a difficult habit to break, in part it is attributable to my job, and my depressive thinking is also partly responsible. Being optimistic and carefree is not who I am.  I am pessimistic by nature. But I am trying to change.

We are in the wrong place again. We are going to pack up the rented house and head for new pastures. Will we buy a boat to live on? Or will we finally hold our hands up and admit that we cannot find a sustainable living situation in this country.

It is fear that is keeping us here in this house. It is fear telling me to buy a house now any sort of house so I will be safe and warm and dry in my old age. But I know deep down that buying a house in this country is not right for us.

I have struggled to accept the fact that we may never "settle" in one place. We may never build or be part of a community in a traditional sense.  Sometimes, well a lot of the time it feels like a large void. I have struggled to deal with the sadness of the past and the fact that I  am still suffering from the consequences of the past.  My childhood was not peaceful and stable.

I wonder whether we could live in Spain. We at least need to try.

7 comments:

Anna said...

We are in the same position (possibly without the traumatic past). We talk about my/our restlessness and debate the importance of siting ourselves in a 'community' all the time. But, I don't want to go to one place and stay there. I'm torn between renting and uprooting every 6months/12 months and buying a small place somewhere (in a nice climate). Drifting or staying on? So difficult. I can only sympathise.

You seemed to really like N.Ibiza. Would that be a good place for you to root yourself - buy a little place?

Jerry Critter said...

As long as you keep looking for happiness in where you live, you will continue to search.

Happiness and contentment comes much more for inside. And I think you recognize this by the statements you make.

For example, reread your second paragraph. It is all about you, not where you are living. Your living situation will change none of that.

The fear you feel is not about being " safe and warm and dry in my old age". It is about confronting your own demons.

Alice said...

sending a huge hug... as Anna says, I too can only sympathise. I hear you :-) We are happy on our boat, but I often wonder if we should be somewhere else, becoming part of a different community. I worry about the long-term stability of a boat. Then I dream about a sunnier climate and other crazy dreams and think 'I'm crazy!!!!' so then think about being 'normal' and 'safe' again... but then I wake up in the night and think 'who makes the rules?' who is it that is instilling this fear in us? We can be free-spirits... we can be independent... I believe it is possible. But it takes time, and I am still learning... email coming soon xxxxx

Alice said...

PS. Spain is lovely... why not a short-term house sit? trustedhousesitters.com

The Quest said...

I too have based many of my most important life decisions on fear: the fear of not being loved, the fear of being alone, the fear of never having enough 'fill-in-the-blank'. It's a horrible basis from which to plan but I completely understand the roots of its origin. I think once we begin to understand where that fear originates from, then we can begin to learn to control it and put it into perspective. Fear, for example, is one example of how I became mired in debt and money worries. I needed a huge custom home to make me feel successful and that I wasn't a loser.

In your case, I believe, you are equating buying a home with security and I too have obviously made that mistake. May I make the suggestion that you do not rashly buy a house? That could be the worst single thing that you do, especially if you hate the neighborhood/region/country. You could end up stuck again in a place you don't want to be with the added hassle of unloading a house you don't want that was expensive to acquire in the first place. Try renting. That is my plan going forward. If the spouse and I move to a new place, which we will, we are going to rent first.

It's difficult to learn a new set of coping skills ~ I'm still learning after all this time! ~ but making decisions based on fear is not the way to go. I have at least learned that much LOL Regroup and come up with another plan as they say. Just try to think about how you're feeling that day/week and why you want to act on impulse. It's not easy to come to terms with deep rooted emotions but unfortunately it's the only way to incrementally begin to understand oneself.

Dreamer said...

Anna - I dont think I want to stay in once place either, it doesnt feel right to me, I struggle to accept/balance this with the desire to create security for myself, but at what price does security come at? There is no such thing as a cheap base here in the UK as you know, Its not where I want to be so whats the point? Who said that drifting was bad? I still feel the need to conform, I dont know why? I LOVE N Ibiza, if I had my way.....now to convince DH, buying something there, I dont know, but I can see us spending chunks of time there again, I cant ever see me buying anything the way I feel at the moment.xxx

Jerry, I agree, sometimes its a daily battle with the demons, but I do think that where you live is very important, but yes the constant restlessness and need to find "it" is wearing to say the least. Is it unreasonable to want to live somewhere with a pleasant outlook, somewhere with like minded people in a progressive atmosphere? Somewhere with space, where houses are not ugly overpriced slave boxes? Do you accept your lot, or do you try to find something "more", I sometimes think that acceptance is the key but, its not working for me :)xxx

Alice, yes who makes the rules? I sometimes convince myself that safe and conventional is the way to go, but its not I cant conform, dont want to, it takes time as you say to accept that we can life an alternative life, I too dream of a sunnier climate, I want to be outdoors more in every sense, not sitting inside with the central heating on. Thanks for the link xxx

Dreamer said...

Quest - yes I equate owning a house with security, I understand what you say about making decisions based on fear, it is a horrible basis from which to make decisions. Im nont buying a house, I havent found anywhere I want to live anyway, I just feel this rash desire to have four "safe" walls LOL xxx