The call of the island

Portinatx

So after my last post I am feeling a bit better about things.

I am going back to the island at the end of August. I have booked a two month stay. I have booked a one way flight.

I dont know what I am doing from November onwards, and I really dont want to think about having a plan at the moment. I am fed up of planning, for now I just want to go with the flow. I dont know whether I will stay on the island over the winter. I might stay on the island or I might go to the mainland, or I might go somewhere hot over the winter. I just dont know. I will see how it goes.

We still do not know when DH's job will come to an end. I am keen for him to squeeze as much money as he can from the gig. They want him to stay until they can find a permanent replacement for his position. The job could be all over by September or it could go on for a bit. If this happens then DH will come out regularly including for some long weekends. As he is a contractor he can more or less come and go as he pleases when it comes to time off. We had previously written this off as it appeared to be nearly impossible to get back to the UK in the winter. However, it turns out that British Airways have launched a new winter flight from London City airport direct to the island, so it can be done. 

If DH's gig remains ongoing into November then I will probably stay on the island until he is finished and we are ready to start the next stage of our life.

Back to reality

So I am back in Britain and I am not happy to be here.

I feel like I am on a huge downer.

I had to return to deal with some personal commitments. Also I didn't really want to be on the island during July and August.

To say I had a good time is an understatement. The time passed really quickly. One month just wasnt long enough. I like the pace of life out there, the day is longer, people eat their evening meal much later there, I felt much closer to the elements.

However, a few things happened on the island which made me question everything. I have realised that I am highly vulnerable in a number of ways. I still have to constantly monitor the demons. A lot of my anxiety stems from fear over my loss of control over the demons. I fear that one day they will succeed in putting me under permanently. This I have realised is a huge burden to carry around with me which in turn makes me sad, angry and lonely. I have also realised that sometimes I project sadness.

The rough plan is for me to return to the island in early September for an indefinite period.  We are going to shut down the rented house for good. What we are paying for this stupid house is about the same as what the rent would cost me on the island, in the low season of course. My husband has agreed that he will close things down with his work and join me when he can.

Tuesday thoughts

Well its another beautiful day on the island.

Today I woke up and opened the shutters and the sun was shinning, the birds were singing, the pine trees were blowing in the wind and I could see the turquoise sea from my window. I could hear merange music being played softly by the cafe downstairs.

And I thought, it really doesn't get much better than this.

Last night was a late one, seafood at my favourite restaurant followed by some good entertainment and dancing around the corner. Again I marvel at my ability here to have a good night out without being skint and hung over the next morning.

My husband has left after his two week holiday here, we had a great time, some days it was cool enough for us to go on long walks into the forest and mountains. We also took the ferry to the island of Formentera, a small island 25 mins south of Ibiza. Formentera was beautiful, it looked and felt more like a Caribbean island than a Spanish one.

But I have realised that I need something to do, I cant imagine not working ever again.  I like to keep busy. I do need an outlet or a sense of purpose. I have lots of business ideas, but every time I mention them to my husband he just seems completely uninterested. For example I would really love to run a restaurant, perhaps we could purchase a lease somewhere to see how we get on. I also have an idea about being a beach hut barman/woman. My husband thinks it is "easier" to work behind a desk. I have a lot of mental energy, I am a fighter, I need to fight and I cant fight the demons behind a desk I need to do something physical. Yes we may be able to earn a more money behind a desk (although in this economy that is debatable) but that is not what this is about. I realise that catering/hospitality can be hard work but so is sitting behind a desk in a stressful job slowly having the life sucked out of you. I would love to give it a go.

Now more than ever I am determined to cut the chains and break into a new way of living. Come August/September at the latest we are out of there.