Tuesday, 10 May 2011

It isnt here

Well after my last post I woke up this morning and felt completely different about things.

Why is it that when I write something on the blog I often change my mind the day after? Is it something to do with the process of blogging?

Today I went for a long walk up the mountain. I do my best thinking up there.

Sometimes I think so much I feel like my head is going to explode.

Today I feel that we are not meant to be here. We are not meant to be living in this country.

I just cant fathom how we are going to be able to achieve that life that we truly desire here. We are desperate to settle and to buy our own place, but I just cannot bring myself to buy anything. I just don't think we would be happy living in an overpriced box.

It is fear that is keeping us here. Here we are in a safe little house.

But it isn't what I want. Even here I feel it is too claustrophobic. Its not as bad as city living, no where near as bad. But it doesn't feel right. To feel less claustrophobic, would involve living somewhere more rural which means spending a lot more money, more than I want to spend.

We don't have anything in common with anyone here. I am not sorry that we came here to live for a while because it has given me the chance to have some re-connection with family members after a period of estrangement. But I have realised that I have to make all the effort. No one comes to see us. We have to go and see them. Finally I am at peace with that. Now I don't expect too much. No more drama, no more pain. I want peace in my life.

I have to do what is right for DH and I and not what I think would make others happy.

We are going to have to make compromises.

We are going to have to get to like the sun.


slbma said...

oh wow... we are so alike!!!!! if you remember, we spent 8 months living in North Yorkshire renting, trying to see if it was for us. We had the whole family thing and making peace with how things are etc ... But remember, everything is a positive step, even if sometimes it feels like it isn't and this experience is - even though it feels like forever - helping you reach somewhere you do want to be eventually.

I know a beautiful spot in the Estrela mountains... hot, but cooler than other areas in the summer, and you still get the rain and snow in the winter ;-)


The Quest said...

Is there any spot in the UK that you've visited and thought that you'd like to live there? Or has it all become so expensive and overcrowded now that anywhere decent is priced at a premium? I haven't been to the UK since the mid 1990s on my one and only visit 'home' so I really haven't a clue about the local economies, wages, house prices, etc.

OlivAmor said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
WeeMike said...

Perhaps your not meant to settle in one area - maybe your ancestors were travellers?

You asked on my blog how I keep such a happy go lucky personality - and I wrote what I thought I should have written, but really I didn't tell you the truth....

I am extremely hard upon myself most days - much more than most people.

I make myself constantly aware of how 90% of the worlds population live in comparison to me, and give thanks everyday that I have what I have.

I realise that even though I live in a caravan and earn minimum wage, I still live better than the majority of those 90%.

Yes I have put myself in this situation out of choice, but I needed to so that I could become more humble and aware in a worldly way.

I'm not trying to sound condescending, I just want you to be aware of how privileged you are.

Acknowledge that, and then choose to do something with it.

Realise that nothing really matters in the grand unviserly scheme of things, accept that and then do what makes you happy now, not at some distant point in the future.

The future will never happen, all that happens is the now, if your not happy now, then change it and the future will take care of itself.

Hope that makes some kind of sense?

OlivAmor said...

Tried commenting to this a few days ago but it looks like it didn't stick. Your writing is a way of helping you weigh various options out there & to make the right decision.

With that said,(I am also someone who thinks things through too much) maybe just packing up & leaving for an extended period is the best thing. Thinking about it too much just creates more reasons for indecision.

I am working my last week and I'm taking an extended trip to Portugal to visit family & to travel. I haven't decided what to do once I get back (I've booked a return date) but I'm looking at some big changes & I'm both excited and terrified...

hapi said...

Hi Dreamer, Nice blog! How to add the Glitter Effect Mouse Pointer to your Blog