It isnt here

Well after my last post I woke up this morning and felt completely different about things.

Why is it that when I write something on the blog I often change my mind the day after? Is it something to do with the process of blogging?

Today I went for a long walk up the mountain. I do my best thinking up there.

Sometimes I think so much I feel like my head is going to explode.

Today I feel that we are not meant to be here. We are not meant to be living in this country.

I just cant fathom how we are going to be able to achieve that life that we truly desire here. We are desperate to settle and to buy our own place, but I just cannot bring myself to buy anything. I just don't think we would be happy living in an overpriced box.

It is fear that is keeping us here. Here we are in a safe little house.

But it isn't what I want. Even here I feel it is too claustrophobic. Its not as bad as city living, no where near as bad. But it doesn't feel right. To feel less claustrophobic, would involve living somewhere more rural which means spending a lot more money, more than I want to spend.

We don't have anything in common with anyone here. I am not sorry that we came here to live for a while because it has given me the chance to have some re-connection with family members after a period of estrangement. But I have realised that I have to make all the effort. No one comes to see us. We have to go and see them. Finally I am at peace with that. Now I don't expect too much. No more drama, no more pain. I want peace in my life.

I have to do what is right for DH and I and not what I think would make others happy.

We are going to have to make compromises.

We are going to have to get to like the sun.

Drifting

What makes a home? What does the word home mean?

Home is something that DH and I still search for. Is home something more than four walls? I always imagined that it would be a safe place where we would feel at peace, content, at "one".

We are still unsure of what we will do and where we will live. I used to say to DH that all doors would be considered. But I think we have slowly come to the conclusion that living in southern Europe is probably out of the question for us. The main reason for this is that we like cool weather. We have never been hot weather people or sun worshippers. Mostly we prefer rain and overcast weather. I realise that there probably is a certain level of acclimatisation to the heat but, I don't want to endure, I want to live and enjoy the great outdoors without feeling like we have to hide inside because of the ferocious heat, which is usually what we ended up doing in the past.

The other thing is that DH gets bored easily. He does like to have some work to do. DH likes to pick up odd jobs, he likes to feel that he is being useful and he misses the transactional nature of working. This is something that I did not anticipate. I should have realised that DH was probably not as disenchanted with the world of work as I was. This is another issue why moving to southern Europe could be problematic.

Another realisation is that I don't feel like I hate living in this country anymore. Yes, there are places where I would REALLY rather live, but I have to face reality that unless I win the lottery or find a a spare half a million dollars so I can buy a green card I will never be able to live in Oregon or Washington state.

I think we have also realised that we really want a house of our own. We have looked in the South Wales area and nothing appeals to us, in fact a lot of it is all rather depressing, I mean souless, grey, boring, uninspiring. I dont want to buy the wrong thing and end up regretting it. But if we did find a house we liked it would save us money on rent.

I suppose we are just drifting at the moment.