Where is my place in the world?

Now that The Escape is getting closer, I admit to feeling a little skeptical about it.

I am frightened of not finding my place in the world, the place where DH and I were destined to be.

I am looking forward to travelling and not being tied to a job. But at the same time I am scared that I will end up being a permanent wandering malcontent. I'm not sure whether these thoughts are reasonable or not or whether they just form part of my depression.

I am not sure that an itinerant lifestyle will ease my soul. I need a place or a base in the world.

I have come to realise that "The Escape" will not solve all of my problems. It may not bring relief to the background noise in my head which appears to be almost permanent.

The trouble with me is that I am much too fond of introspection. Too much thinking and self evaluation never did anyone any good. I'm a big thinker, I could sit all day and think.

I am fed up of living in the future, I want to live for the now instead of planning all the time.

Life is too short. None of us know what is around the corner.

Patience

I have to remember that the best things in life don't come easy.

To give us the best possible cushion we really need to wait until 2011 for the escape. We have worked out our numbers and we need to be saving £4k a month to reach our goals. Fortunately, our living costs are relatively low so it is doable.

But today we had to spend £500.00 on car repairs and I really need new work clothes, but I cannot justify the expense in light of our plans. We don't go out anymore, we rarely go out to eat, we drink at the cheap places if we fancy a pint out. I don't buy take away food, I don't buy lunch out or takeaway coffees. I go to the supermarket once a week only.

The sacrifices are necessary. I don't need to buy things to make myself happy. I know that to make myself happy I need to get out of the city, quit the 9 - 5 and live in a fresh, natural environment. But it all needs to be done with careful planning.

The thing is, I don't plan on coming back, ever. It has suddenly dawned on me that as of 2011 this life ends then.

Recently I read an interview with Oprah Winfrey who was discussing her latest battle with her weight. She described how she was asked the question of "what are you really hungry for ?" I forget her exact answer but I thought it was an interesting and probing question.

So I ask myself "what am I really thirsty for?"

I know what I am really thirsty for, most of which I can make happen, but somethings I simply cant deliver, these things will always be out of reach, that part of my thirst I will never quench.