Tuesday

The day after tomorrow I fly back to the UK.

After three months here, this now feels like home. I love this place, it is even better in the winter. The weather has been lovely.

Im not sure how I am going to feel when I go back to the UK. I have so many feelings about Mr X. Yes I have fallen in love. It makes me happy, but it also makes me sad when I think about my husband.

But is this life any good for me? What happens now? Do I come back and fourth here and live a double life? I hate lies. I hate deceit. Mr X is asking me when I am coming back. But he is not asking me to leave my husband or anything like that. I know that he has feelings for me but I cant help but wonder if he finds the situation convenient. He seems accepting of the fact that I am married. Perhaps it is just as well because if he did put pressure on me then things would get very difficult. My head tells me to leave and never return but my heart is here. I do love my husband but I have realised that there is something lacking from our relationship, deep down I think I have known this for a long time.

I cant see how a life with Mr X would work full time. I need more than what this place has to offer. But I long to be with him. If I am not here I am scared that he might meet someone else.

Again I wonder what I am going to do in the UK. I really should try and find some work to have an outlet to take my mind off things. I am feeling very stressed to say the least.

Sometimes the things we want are no good for us.