random stuff

I mentioned previously that I had been working. The role was meant to last for six weeks. It actually lasted for three and a half months. To my great surprise I really enjoyed the role. I enjoyed using my brain again and earning money. The work was interesting, the boss was fairly laid back. The real downside was that the journey to and from the office took a round trip of 8 hours. Because the role was so far away from "home" I had to stay in a hotel for at least 4 nights a week. Eventually I come to an agreement with the boss that I would work part time, just 2 days a week, but even that got too much for me. The problem was that they wanted me in the office every week. This is work that could easily be done on a lap top from home.  It was not necessary to be in the office every day, we don't see clients every day. I offered to work remotely and come into the office every other week but no deal.

So I left.

It  never ceases to amaze me that many employers today just don't move with the times, we still have this antiquated way of working of having to be in an office all day every day, its like an extension of school.

But now I regret it in a way because I am yet again extremely bored. So back to square one with a few more pounds in my pocket. I found that working was a great distraction from the nagging issues on my mind, such as why am I this way? who am I? where am I going? where will I end up? will it all crash and burn?

There is no work around here. I live in an economic black spot. A job at McDonalds is advertised and a thousand people apply for it. I've got no chance. I keep trying to get out of law but I keep getting sucked back in because legal employers are the only people who seem to be interested in paying for my labour.

DH is working again on a contract role, which may last for the next six months. DH enjoys working. But where does that leave me? I want to pack up and go get out of this country. What is there to stay for?

What I really want is a home somewhere with a bit of land. I want DH to finish work so we can explore Portugal in depth with a view to getting something or at least having a much better idea of what it has to offer. I've also got a plan to tour the west coast of the USA in an RV. I also want to go back to Ibiza. The problem is that DH says that we should earn money while we can, while we are still young enough, while our skills and experience are still in demand. I don't really know whether we want the same thing. I think he worries about money. Sometimes I worry about money, who doesn't? But when is enough enough? I think we need to be creating a different lifestyle rather than trying to obtain more money.

My attitude is more lets just go and makle it work somehow. Do or go under.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Fear

I am starting to realise that since the "escape" I have been making decisions based on Fear.

I realise that I have been searching for certainty. Nothing is 100% risk free is it? I have been guilty of black and white thinking. The constant need to analyse every move and every decision to death is getting me down. It is a difficult habit to break, in part it is attributable to my job, and my depressive thinking is also partly responsible. Being optimistic and carefree is not who I am.  I am pessimistic by nature. But I am trying to change.

We are in the wrong place again. We are going to pack up the rented house and head for new pastures. Will we buy a boat to live on? Or will we finally hold our hands up and admit that we cannot find a sustainable living situation in this country.

It is fear that is keeping us here in this house. It is fear telling me to buy a house now any sort of house so I will be safe and warm and dry in my old age. But I know deep down that buying a house in this country is not right for us.

I have struggled to accept the fact that we may never "settle" in one place. We may never build or be part of a community in a traditional sense.  Sometimes, well a lot of the time it feels like a large void. I have struggled to deal with the sadness of the past and the fact that I  am still suffering from the consequences of the past.  My childhood was not peaceful and stable.

I wonder whether we could live in Spain. We at least need to try.

Working 9 - 5

Our stay in Ibiza was wonderful again.

Whenever I get get off the aeroplane I get this feeling in my chest. It is a difficult feeling to describe, perhaps it is a sense of contentment, a feeling of being home, a feeling of just fitting there. This time the weather was cooler although still warm, we were still able to sit and and swim in November. Even now writing about it I long to be back there. The scenery there is quite dramatic, although part of Spain there is something else going on there, by that I mean that you can still feel the influence of the ancient moors and the Phoenicians. There is something about those green hills, some magic that is difficult to describe.

Will Ibiza ever be more to us than a place to spend some part of the year? I don't know. Could we afford to live there? Maybe. It would probably require a lottery win for us to buy property there. It is because I don't really know what I want that I cannot make a commitment to anything. How long will I feel like this? Will we ever settle somewhere? Perhaps we just haven't found it. Should we be doing what makes us happy now, or should we be concentrating on building some security for the future, because there is a conflict between the two.

I have a confession to make. I am working again, doing what I used to do before. BUT it is only a six week contract. The pay is decent. And I am actually enjoying the work. The downside is it requires a hotel stay 4 nights a week. We still have the rented house in Wales which we go to at the weekend.

I do wonder how some people live in the same place and do the same things and go to the same job all their lives. Personally I have undergone incredible growth and change over the last 10 years. This is part of my issue with settling or committing to something somewhere, what if I change my mind, what if I outgrow it? I have wanted different things at different points in my life. That is why I continue to keep things flexible and non permanent. I continue to rent a house but I question the financial wisdom in this.

We have resolved to go to Portugal in the spring to have a look around. Perhaps we could find a small home there in a fishing village near the coast.  Somewhere not too far from an airport.

One thing I am sure of is that I want/need to live near the sea. I don't think living out in the sticks is for us, I don't think I am really ready for that yet.