thoughts

So I am back in Ibiza after the Christmas break.

Christmas was very difficult. My husband could see that there was something wrong and that I was distant. He did not want me to return to Ibiza.

Over the Christmas period I missed Mr X very much and I know he missed me too. Now I am back here in Ibiza and I am feeling very lost.

I'm in so much pain emotionally. Mr X has started to get serious. He has hinted that he is not happy at the fact that I continue to be married. I cant blame him. He has hinted at the word marriage. I'm so confused. I thought it was what I wanted. I do love him. The feelings I have for this man I have never experienced before. He is like a drug. I know I should stay away but I cant, when we are together its just too good, it makes me want to cry. But I need to be sure and I'm not sure. 

I just don't think I can live on this island year round. Island living is already starting to grate on me. Life with Mr X would involve me being here year round. His life is here and most importantly his job is here. There are other things which I am unsure about. He wants children and I don't know whether I do. I also like my independence and relative freedom. Now if I want to get on an aeroplane and go somewhere I can. I'm not sure Mr X would stand for it.

I do not want to hurt anyone, I dont want to hurt my Husband he would be devastated. The thought of causing him any pain or distress is eating me up inside. Im not sure that emotionally that I can withstand a divorce. I fear that any happiness with Mr X would be overshadowed by the pain of the divorce and the guilt. How could I do that to my Husband?

There are also practical considerations. Am I in a financial position to go it alone? Mr X has no financial security to speak of. He has a reasonably well paying job but he lives day to day. But he is a very clever man, he speaks several languages and has many skills that he turns his hand to. The fact is that whether we like it or not we all need money to live. I've experienced financial poverty and hardships as a child and as a young adult and it is not something I ever want to return to.

I need to take things slowly. I need to be sure about Mr X. I ask myself whether the real draw is just the physical side of the relationship which has been lacking for many years in my marriage. 

Tuesday

The day after tomorrow I fly back to the UK.

After three months here, this now feels like home. I love this place, it is even better in the winter. The weather has been lovely.

Im not sure how I am going to feel when I go back to the UK. I have so many feelings about Mr X. Yes I have fallen in love. It makes me happy, but it also makes me sad when I think about my husband.

But is this life any good for me? What happens now? Do I come back and fourth here and live a double life? I hate lies. I hate deceit. Mr X is asking me when I am coming back. But he is not asking me to leave my husband or anything like that. I know that he has feelings for me but I cant help but wonder if he finds the situation convenient. He seems accepting of the fact that I am married. Perhaps it is just as well because if he did put pressure on me then things would get very difficult. My head tells me to leave and never return but my heart is here. I do love my husband but I have realised that there is something lacking from our relationship, deep down I think I have known this for a long time.

I cant see how a life with Mr X would work full time. I need more than what this place has to offer. But I long to be with him. If I am not here I am scared that he might meet someone else.

Again I wonder what I am going to do in the UK. I really should try and find some work to have an outlet to take my mind off things. I am feeling very stressed to say the least.

Sometimes the things we want are no good for us.

still here

Im still here in Ibiza.

I've deleted a few blog entries. 

I'm Ok. Things continue to be difficult emotionally but I still want to be here.

The weather is beautiful. We continue to have hot and warm days. I still love the island.

All things aside, I think I may have a good friend in Mr X after all. The thing is that we laugh a lot. We always seem to be laughing. Perhaps that is an attempt to deflect the more serious issues that need to be discussed. He looks out for me and checks to see if I am OK. Actually, lately I never seem to have a moments peace. He seems to be at the door all the time. He arrives for breakfast, comes to see me in the afternoon, he brings me food, he cooks for me. The other day he brought up a massive TV which he likes to stare at for hours. I cant understand most of it as it is all in Spanish. Well I am glad of the company most times, but sometimes I have to admit that I go out to escape. Sometimes its a bit too much.. I think perhaps that he likes the company too. 

I will probably stay here in November. DH is coming to the island this weekend. I am going to the main town of Evissa to meet him. Last time he came here it was just too stressful for me what with everything that had gone on.

I'd really like to get back to work again. I think I need an outlet, a distraction from things that I shouldn't spend so much time thinking about. Part of the problem is that I need to focus on something.

In December I will go back to the UK for a few months and perhaps try to find some work for a while.